the journey on the way to i don't care where

i want to fault my not writing on something, but i can't figure out what's responsible.

it's likely that i have only myself to blame for not writing more lately.  maybe i used to have so much more to say in my primy youth.  or perhaps i'm using photography as a crutch to express what i feel without having to go through the shitty process of parcelling it out in words and sentences and well-constructed ideas.  when my images don't meet whatever nebulous, unreachable standards i set out for them, i stop trying.  i figure i must be failing if i cannot relay some monumental meaning to you in one picture, so why bother pissing out a sidecar of explanations?

the holidays present a wealth of psychoses for the average human.  all of a sudden, we are confronted with ourselves and an overwhelming, albeit unnecessary, amount of CARING about what we are doing - why am i not richer, who are you you can't go first i got here first, how come the country's still in the shitter??  but most important, what have i done this year?

since i started creating an annual end of year portfolio a few years ago, titled WHAT HAVE WE DONE, december has filled me with anxiety about filling the pages.  i fluctuate between self-loathing and ecstatic jubilance in the scrutiny of my work.  i fear failing at creating something important - or at the very least, pretty - but i fear most not making anything at all.

there's that thing that people say - it's the journey, not the destination that matters.  so maybe the parts that have made up my year are worth a damn, despite being lumped in with a bunch of other janky parts.  it's possible that the finished magazine won't suck and that sucking isn't even what's important.  every page turned clears the way for another page, a newer page, a new experience, an opportunity.

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there's a video game called journey.  it is one of the only video games i enjoy playing.  i don't play well, but i don't care.  skills aren't that important in the game.  it's about coming into existence, living a life filled with beauty, history, trials, and companionship, and arriving at a place filled with light, a place where you will be reborn and shot back out into the world to play again.

my boyfriend and i spent october building journey costumes for halloween.  at the west hollywood carnavale and at stan lee's comikaze, many people approached us for pictures, but also to exclaim how important the game is to them and what an impact it has had on their lives.  i was incapable of taking pictures while in costume, which wasn't easy.  instead, i got to engage and inspire people in a new way and i loved it.

we went on vacation to the central coast for thanksgiving and brought a costume with us in case we had an opportunity to shoot.  we did, see below.  there are more to come when i'm able to get a model to wear mine and give this journeyer a friend to travel with.